The feets

Every night no matter where I am, I am ambushed by "the feets". Let me bring you up to speed on the background on the feets. The feets, due to pregnancy edema, are swollen. I (the person who has caused this) rub the feets. The cream or as I call it "Oils and Lubricants" normally ambushes me every night. The lubricant is strategically placed around the house in the common areas. I have many times sat down on the couch and been sneak attacked by the lubricant. It sometimes will be wrapped in blankets, nestled in the corner, or in the bed. The funniest of which is the latter.

One all to common scenario is when I think that Renee has forgotten about the feets. I will be crawling into bed in complete darkness and will lay my head down smack on top of the oils and lubricants. Normally this makes me laugh because its so ridiculous that my bed is booby trapped by this impostor lubricant sleeping on my pillow. Also its so strategically positioned that you could actually think that the lubricant is actually sleeping there and you are the impostor. It usually cracks me up and I say "what in gods name is this lubricant doing in my bed".

The feets also are there own entity entirely separate from Renee. I like to think of them as if they have acquired some sort of AI. Since I rub the feet every night, I must know what to do when the foot is placed on me. These feet are all to wise to ignore. If ignored they will wiggle, disrupt vision, and grind into your back. This whole cat and mouse game always ends with the feets being rubbed and me trying to not use any lubricant.

I have used the following excuses.
It will ruin the couch.
No, no lubricant tonight.
My wrist hurts.
I can't find the lubricant. This is the same as when I hide the lubricant. There are always backups.

After conceding I usually will yell out. "And every night I rub the feets", in voice that is kind of a mix of Braveheart and Silence of the Lambs. And thus commences the 252 nd foot rub of the pregnancy.